The Choirboy's Tale
by janiejanine
Summary: Based on the "Castle Anthrax" sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sebastian goes on a quest and comes to a castle full of desire demons. Hawke & co. rescue him. Then they have an orgy. Kinkmeme fill. Poetry and pure crack.


In the land of Thedas lay the kingdom of Kirkwall,

Ruled by King Hawke, bold, strong and tall,

Mighty of beard and pure of heart.

One day to his advisors he did impart

News of the true Sword of Mercy, once blessed

By Andraste herself. "There must be a quest,"

Said the king. "Only the best knight will do.

Fetch me the one who's the most brave and true."

So the king's messengers moved with haste

To fetch the king's greatest knight, Ser Sebastian the Chaste.

Noble was his brow and bright blue his eye,

In his wake many a maiden did sigh.

But for them he spared nary a glance.

Naught but a prayer ever stirred in his pants.

"I accept this quest, for His Grace the King,"

Said Ser Sebastian. "I'll have it by spring."

With his swift steed he searched far and wide

Fighting off monsters without breaking his stride.

From the depths of the Blackmarsh to the home of the three

Knights whose former war cry of "Ni!"

Became "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ptang-zoop-boing,"

And whose love for plants was damned annoying.

Onward he rode, over mountain, hill and dale,

Until one glorious day in the pale

Light of the morning there came a sign.

A vision appeared over a forest of pine:

A great sword, suspended in the air,

Hung over a castle above a great stair.

"Forward!" he cried, and furiously spurred

His horse up the mountain, swift as a bird.

He reached the gate and jumped the fence,

Knocked on the door and demanded entrance.

When the door was opened with a heaving pull,

He saw with surprise that the castle was full

Of men and women, humans and elves,

Talking and giggling amongst themselves.

"Who here is in charge of this castle?"

Sebastian asked. "I. The rest are just vassals,"

Replied the tallest man of all.

"Thank the Maker you've come to our hall

For we've a problem here within;

All of us are steeped in sin,

And to you we must confess,

And then you must our curst souls bless,

And our punishment devise.

All of us you must chastise.

And lest we feel the Maker's lack,

Then our bottoms you must smack."

"I can't do that!" Sebastian cried.

"I'm chaste, my vows I won't deride."

But it seemed they knew just what he needed,

For prettily they begged and pleaded.

"O brave Ser Knight! We are so lonely.

We ask of you a spanking only.

And then, perhaps, the oral sex?

We aim to please in all respects."

Sebastian paused, unsure of this.

Thought he, "What harm comes of one small kiss?"

"Serah," he said, "I am at your whim."

At that, the nubile citizens fell upon him.

In a trice they'd all disrobed.

With lips and hands his form they probed

With rubbing, licking, stroking and kissing.

"Sweet Maker," he thought, "is _this_ what I've been missing?"

Just when he thought he could take no more,

A great crash sounded outside of the door.

It flew open and five people burst through,

Good King Hawke and his most trusted retinue.

Ser Merrill the Gentle, Ser Fenris the Haughty,

Ser Aveline the Brave, and Ser Isabela the Naughty.

"We've come to save you!" the king proclaimed.

"Stay back, demons, our weapons are aimed."

Then came the dulcet tones of Ser Merrill.

"Come with us, Ser Sebastian, you're in great peril!"

"There is no peril! I'm perfectly fine,"

Sebastian said with a panicked whine.

But wise Ser Fenris wasn't fooled,

And Sebastian's claim he overruled.

"Begone, foul creatures! You'll never have him.

Corruption fills this place to the brim.

But enough of words." They drew blades instead,

And in the space of a moment the demons lay dead.

"They looked just like us!" cried good King Hawke.

"Maker's breath, your Majesty. You've a massive cock,"

Said Ser Isabela, stating the obvious.

Said Ser Aveline, "This scene is opprobrious."

Said Ser Fenris, "Let's away from this place."

But Isabela had a knowing look on her face.

Said she, "We can't let Sebastian fall prey to demons.

I have a few tricks that I learned from some seamen

And I daresay the rest of you have some too.

Why not show him what we can do?

It seems the best way to work out his issues.

Or he'll do it alone with some lotion and tissues."

"She speaks the truth," King Hawke mused,

"The demons have him most confused.

To regain our comrade's sensibilities

We'll have to share our base proclivities.

Heavy risk, but worth the prize."

And before Sebastian's amazed eyes

The king and his fellows removed their clothes

And upward the king's mighty staff rose.

Truly it was a wonderment,

And lo, Sebastian's trousers did tent

To see his sovereign laid so bare

With a wicked grin beyond compare

And with a leer of such lechery

That promised hours of debauchery.

"Kneel before your king," he said.

Sebastian knelt and bowed his head.

The others stripped his armor away

Leaving him as bare as the day

He was born. "Perfect," said the king.

"Merrill, I need you to do that lube thing."

Ser Merrill stepped up, her fingers greased,

And at his entrance her hands did tease.

"And now I require total submission.

Ser Sebastian, please assume the position!"

The companions cheered and followed along.

Their orgy will live in legend and song.

With Sebastian each one took his turn,

Yet for each other they still did yearn.

Round and round the group intertwined,

In every way they could think to combine.

They writhed and moaned in the knot they'd created

And did not stop until all were sated.

They lay panting upon a cloak

All in a pile. Then Sebastian spoke.

"Your Grace, one matter has come to the fore.

I fear my title suits me no more."

King Hawke agreed. "You're no longer chaste.

You need something better for what you've faced.

Bold is too common, Valiant too meager.

I hereby dub thee Ser Sebastian the Eager!"

Sebastian knelt and kissed his hand,

Then rode away with his merry band.

They celebrated with barrels of ale.

And by the Grace of the Maker, thus ends our tale.


End file.
